To be or not to be content, that is the question.

There are many places in the bible that talks about being content in all areas of our life. I have learned this and lived this many times over the years and I am finding myself walking through it again.

 This time I am learning that there is a good side and a bad side to being content.

14 years ago when Jerry and I stepped out into full time ministry we went from having a job that payed Jerry 6 figures a year to making about $400 the first few mths. We had just built a new beautiful house and lived there 3 mths before deciding to rent it out to save money. We needed a cheap place to stay and found ourselves in the upstairs rooms of this older woman's house that Jerry knew from his real estate office. We had just Gabi and Caleb at the time and they slept in one of the rooms that was half full of storage and half cleared for their beds. Jerry and I had our room, another room was packed to the roof with our boxes and the last room became our living room, kitchen, playroom, and office all combined. The bathroom was not only for the obvious but it was also where all the dishes got washed.
Did we love it? No, not at all. Were we content? Yes, most definitely. This was our situation and complaining about it did not change the fact that this is where we were. We were content in our situation, we knew it was not forever and were doing our best to change it. We had joy in the waiting.
This is an example of good contentment.

This week I realized that contentment had settled in with my pain since back surgery but it was not the right kind of contentment.

This is how I see the two being different. This is not a dictionary version of the definition.

See the difference is good contentment is having joy and peace in the situation you have been giving all the while continuing to seek God for guidance on what to do next.

Bad contentment is possibly having joy/peace in the situation but then staying where we are because we are good. It is being so content that we stop seeking God about what to do next. We might get a little freedom from some problem so we forget about it. We might get a little raise at work and it is just enough to pay the bills. There could be some freedom from the physical pain or even the emotional pain and it be just enough that we forget just how bad it was in the first place. We have just enough light at the end of the tunnel that we forget that the goal is to get to the end. Our eyes adjust so well to the little bit of light that pretty soon it seems good enough to stay right there.
That is the problem, God does not want half way for his children. If you are a parent you would never want you child to get half way unstuck and than stay there because this way is not as painful as the last spot. You would want full freedom for your children. God wants the same for you!

Last friday April the 29 I went to my physical therapist in a overall bad mood. She worked on my back and I left there feeling so much better. In fact my mood only went uphill from there, I even noticed that my pain level was decreasing by the slightest amount. I was a happy camper. 

Today is Wednesday, only 4 days later and this is when I realized I had slide over into the bad area of contentment. I was unstuck just enough that I was happy. I was content because it was way better than the last spot I was in.
When I was in the horribly painful place I was praying so often throughout the day and thanking God for my healing. I had joy and peace while I was there but I was always seeking God's word and heart about what to do next. Now that I was finding myself in less pain I stopped seeking God as often. I did thank him for my healing but it was not as much as before. I was going about my day happy because for the first time since surgery pain was not my constant thought. I was finally able focus on more things that blinding pain. 
Why is it that most of us only heavily seek God when our walls are caving in? How much better would our lives be if we sought God with that same passion even when our walls have support beams up?

I want to be content in all circumstances but I want to also seek God passionately in all circumstances.
Let's make it a goal to not be a people that get half of what we are praying for and than drop God like a bad habit.
Let's seek God and find out what is his heart for all of the todays and where he wants to take us for all of the tomorrows. 

The day I was thankful for pain

The other day I woke up feeling good. I had minimal back pain and to be honest the past week and a half I have felt ok. For the most part I know what triggers my back pain and I was being careful to avoid it. I began to doubt my need for the back surgery. I knew what the X-ray and Mri showed. I remembered being in so much pain that it put this level of depression over me that I was not used it. Yet, here I was walking the kids to school, going grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and even hosting parties. On the outside everything looked fine, a stranger would never know I was about to have or need back surgery. Even when answering the questions about what pain medication I am on and I answer "nothing more then ibuprofen" I start to question is surgery really needed? 

Then the other day I woke up and threw in some laundry, I carried some more clean clothes to my room, I folded and put away towels, and I even ironed some clothes. All normal activities and the laundry it's self I have done a million times but adding in the ironing and folding was too much twisting, turning, and bending of the back that it ended up causing terrible pain. I had to lay down, take some medicine, and cancel all evening plans.

 I daily live with pain in my lower back and I daily live with the sore muscles because they are over worked trying to protect the injured part but this day....like so many in the past...was above and beyond pain. Pain I can deal with, heck I have naturally given birth to 6 babies (5 earthly, 1 heavenly, in case you read this thinking "wait, she only has 5") 

but pain that makes me angry, changes my whole out look and I lose my joy, pain the cause me to miss out on time with my family because I can't get up or I am to cranky to pretend I want to hear a story, that pain is why I am having the surgery. 

I laid in bed so thankful for the pain, so thankful for the reminder of why I was doing this. Yes, I am sure I could go though life and never have the surgery and I would survive but isn't thriving so much better then just making it? 

I want to be the best mom God has called me to be, I want to be the best wife I can be and dealing with the root of the pain is so much better then finding ways to work around it. 

I realize that we do this with so many areas of our lives, we may get an emotional injury and it hurts but we figure out ways to work around it so it doesn't get inflamed. We are fine, we have no physical scars for people to see, we are not taking any pain medication or getting counseling because we are "fine" 

yet, one wrong activity, one wrong movement can bring back all the pain. One wrong word or memory can inflame the emotions and we remember why we are angry, hurt, rejected, bitter, or lonely. So many people do this but they quickly try to get back to the avoiding the pain. They don't use the pain as a reminder that the root of something is still there, they don't take the steps to get the emotional surgery they need. People then live life without joy, they are surviving and they may have moments of happiness but the pain out weighs everything. A wall is put up to protect, memories or activities or even people are avoided to not spark the pain. 

I am on the front side of dealing with the root of my back pain. You may be at the front end of dealing with your emotional pain. The idea that "surgery" is about to happen or needs to happen is scary. What if something goes wrong, what if I dealt with the root only to walk away more Injured then I was when I went it? 

I know my surgery will be long (3 hours) and the recovery even longer but the idea of being on the other side of full healing is well worth it. The idea of dealing with the root so that I can thrive in life is worth the jump. 

So yes, I am so thankful for that day (days) of pain. I am thankful for the reminder of why I am doing this. 

6 days and counting until I start my healing process. How many days until you start yours? 

 

Journal entry #1. 2 week count down

I, on purpose, bought a new journal to capture my thoughts in during this next season. I know the Lord will teach me things and I don't want to forget one minute of it. I want to be able to go back and see how I was feeling during this time. I have asked a few people about their own surgery but as time does best, it fades the memories. I don't want them to fade. This will be a really good season because God will be smack dab in the middle.
I am writing some of my journal notes in here. They will be choppy, they may not make sense, but this is me. 

3-7-2016
journal entry #1

Today marks 2 weeks until my back surgery.
*I am excited that it is almost time.
*I am nervous that the time is almost here.
*I wonder - did I miss out on God's super natural healing for me because I went ahead with the surgery-
*I wonder if this is God's healing for me and that through this other lives will be blessed.
*I have no fear of things going wrong.
*I am concerned I will feel this major need to get up too soon and help.
*I have thoughts (not concerns or even fears...just thoughts) that if I were to be paralyzed that this is my last chance to walk.....so I enjoy every single step like it is my last.
*I have thought that if i were to die this would be my last 2 weeks with my family....so i always make every moment count.
*I am not going to be paralyzed or die but the enemy likes to throws us a bone to see if we grab it and chew. I see the thought (the bone) and I move on, this is life. This is having victory. Losing is when we grab the bone the enemy threw and we make a full meal out of it.
*I love my bed now but I imagine I will be more then ready to leave it when the time comes.
*I have lost about 7 pounds the last few months from all my walking. I DO NOT want to gain it back while in slow motion life.
*I am excited to see how God will show up in this time. I know he has heard my prayers for super natural healing and bc it didn't happen like I wanted, I know he has got a great plan. I am thrilled to be in the middle of it.

Snack over load.

One of the (many) things I am trying to get done before the surgery is food prep. I know that people will bring meals and that is a huge blessing. I won't have to think about dinners. 

What I am thinking about is after I am up and can cook. I LOVE cooking and I know it will be something I want to do as soon as I am allowed. I am trying to make things easier for me by pre-prepping meals now and freezing them. 

I am also thinking of snack ideas for the family. I want quick snacks that are yummy but not full junk food. No need in teeth rotting out bc mom ain't in the kitchen. 

My mother in law (who is Korean) has this dipping sauce she makes. Jerry and Gabi love it and will dip cucumbers in it. 

I called her today so she could remind me how to whip some up. 

Being the true, amazing cook that she is she just gives a list of ingredients. 

Hot Korean paste. 

Vinegar

Sugar

Sesame seeds and oil. 

She said mix to taste but here is the problem. I am white, did not grow up ever eating this, and don't really eat it now. So mixing to taste is a no go. 

But I gave it a shot and will let my peeps be the ginny pigs. 

I did try it on eggs bc I was starving and why not....Just an FYI it is amazing on eggs. 

This will definitely happen again. 

Do you have any nice snack ideas that can be made ahead of time and even re-filled easily that work for your family? 

Start the count down.

The 21 days until I wake up with a new back. 

To say I am having to pray about a ton of things is an understatement. 

I am not nervous about the actual surgery per-say, I am more nervous that it will be for nothing. I do not want to go through it all only to have pain years from now. 

I also think a big challenge for me will be the resting after. I have been going non-stop for 18 years and to come to a screeching halt seems impossible. 

I have pushed through so much pain for years that to teach my self not to push through this too fast is going to take some leaning on the Lord. 

I have terrible sitting and standing habits and I know ALL of that needs to change to heal properly. I need major prayer in this area because almost 40 years of habits can be hard to break. 

My house. My family. Where do I even start? My kids are often saying that they have to do so many chores and yet they have no idea everything that I do to help them with their measly chores. They will soon find out. I want and I am praying for peace in my home during the next two months. 

I want accomplish a list before hand that is a mile long yet sometime this kind of thing puts me in bed rest to help the back. I am praying for an efficient pace to  finish strong without hurt. 

I love to serve and find it very hard to accept help in return. 

I will have to accept help. I may even have to ask for help. Lord help me. 

I will be writing more to document my thoughts thought out the month as the date gets closer. 

Please say a prayer as you think of my family. 

Why I won't go fully gluten free.

This meal right here is one of my all time favorite meals ever! 

Jumbo pasta stuffed with meat and cheese. 

This time I cooked hamburger meat and ground turkey. In the past I have also added ground pork to add more flavor and that taste amazing too. I mix the hamburger and turkey meat because it is more cost efficient for my family of 7. I would like to only buy the grass fed organic beef but that cost a lot so added the ground turkey still is a healthy option that spreads the meal out more. 

Today I cooked both meats in the same pan ( about 1 lb each, it makes two large serving..remember....large family)  and added salt and pepper to taste and a sprinkle of dried herbs. I just use whatever I have on hand. This time it was rosemary, oregano, basil, and parsley. 

Once it was fully cooked I drained the grease ( hardly any bc leans meats) and added the meat into another pan so it could cool completely. 

In the meantime I shredded a few different kind of cheese. 

I also started a large pot of water and added a pinch of salt. Once it was boiling I added my jumbo pasta. When it was cooked al'denta I immediately put it in ice cold water to stop the cooking and to completely cool it down. 

You do not want to fully cook it because it will go into the oven to finish cooking. After a couple of mins drain out water. 

When the meat has cooled and the pasta is drained you can start the stuffing process. 

A spoon works great but using your (clean) hands works even better. 

Layer the pasta into a casserole dish and sprinkle cheese on top 

And then pour spaghetti sauce. I just used a jarred one from Aldi's and only used half the jar. My kids do not like a lot of sauce. You can add the full jar of you like. 

Lastly cover with lid or aluminum and place in a 350* pre-heated oven for about 20 to 30 mins until cheese is fully melted. 

I made an extra batch to freeze because of my up-coming back surgery. I have not frozen it before so I am hoping it works perfectly. 

Once it is fully heated through take out and serve it up 

This meal is so yummy and such a hit in my house that it is why I can't fully go gluten free

But...

If they ever make these jumbo noodles gluten free then I would be one more step closer.  

 

 

Speak to my eyes.

I have 30 % hearing loss in both of my ears and so it makes hearing my kids talk to me from across the house sometimes difficult. I hear them yell for me and I answer to acknowledge I heard but everything past that is a jumbled mess of words. I yell back to them "come see my face" 

I even said the other day "come talk to my eyes, they hear better then my ears ". My husband said that sounded so odd but it is true. I am not a fan of phone calls because being in someone presence is so much better then just hearing words. You are able to see the person body language and even read their lips to help get the full picture of what that person is saying. 

Today during my morning bible time I was reading Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding" 

I was praying and asking God to help me not be at a place that I assume I am trusting him, show me areas that I need to grow in. I then asked for wisdoms on raising my babies to always seek His face. 

I immediately thought about the saying that I wrote above....that I always tell me kids. Come see my face. I thought about how for me it is because I can't hear you. I thought about how, of course, God can  hear us so seeking His face is not for him....it is for us. When we seek his face it does a huge thing...it puts us into His presence. When we seek the Lord's face it prevents us from just yelling out our request hoping that someone heard them, or throwing out a wish and never seeing if the answer was yes. When we seek God's face we get close to him, we learn his body language, we learn his mannerism, we hear his heart and we are BLESSED by it. 

So if you have been throwing out prayer request in a drive by prayer session know that God still hears them and can fully answer them but you are missing out on so much. God wants to 'have coffee' with you, he wants to hear about your day, he wants to hear the cries of your heart, he wants to hear the funny stories that happen today. He already knows the stories but God loves you so much and enjoys being with you. 

So take some time and -Seek his face- you won't regret it.