Wednesday, March 16, 2016

The day I was thankful for pain

The other day I woke up feeling good. I had minimal back pain and to be honest the past week and a half I have felt ok. For the most part I know what triggers my back pain and I was being careful to avoid it. I began to doubt my need for the back surgery. I knew what the X-ray and Mri showed. I remembered being in so much pain that it put this level of depression over me that I was not used it. Yet, here I was walking the kids to school, going grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and even hosting parties. On the outside everything looked fine, a stranger would never know I was about to have or need back surgery. Even when answering the questions about what pain medication I am on and I answer "nothing more then ibuprofen" I start to question is surgery really needed? 

Then the other day I woke up and threw in some laundry, I carried some more clean clothes to my room, I folded and put away towels, and I even ironed some clothes. All normal activities and the laundry it's self I have done a million times but adding in the ironing and folding was too much twisting, turning, and bending of the back that it ended up causing terrible pain. I had to lay down, take some medicine, and cancel all evening plans.
 I daily live with pain in my lower back and I daily live with the sore muscles because they are over worked trying to protect the injured part but this so many in the past...was above and beyond pain. Pain I can deal with, heck I have naturally given birth to 6 babies (5 earthly, 1 heavenly, in case you read this thinking "wait, she only has 5") 
but pain that makes me angry, changes my whole out look and I lose my joy, pain the cause me to miss out on time with my family because I can't get up or I am to cranky to pretend I want to hear a story, that pain is why I am having the surgery. 
I laid in bed so thankful for the pain, so thankful for the reminder of why I was doing this. Yes, I am sure I could go though life and never have the surgery and I would survive but isn't thriving so much better then just making it? 
I want to be the best mom God has called me to be, I want to be the best wife I can be and dealing with the root of the pain is so much better then finding ways to work around it. 

I realize that we do this with so many areas of our lives, we may get an emotional injury and it hurts but we figure out ways to work around it so it doesn't get inflamed. We are fine, we have no physical scars for people to see, we are not taking any pain medication or getting counseling because we are "fine" 
yet, one wrong activity, one wrong movement can bring back all the pain. One wrong word or memory can inflame the emotions and we remember why we are angry, hurt, rejected, bitter, or lonely. So many people do this but they quickly try to get back to the avoiding the pain. They don't use the pain as a reminder that the root of something is still there, they don't take the steps to get the emotional surgery they need. People then live life without joy, they are surviving and they may have moments of happiness but the pain out weighs everything. A wall is put up to protect, memories or activities or even people are avoided to not spark the pain. 

I am on the front side of dealing with the root of my back pain. You may be at the front end of dealing with your emotional pain. The idea that "surgery" is about to happen or needs to happen is scary. What if something goes wrong, what if I dealt with the root only to walk away more Injured then I was when I went it? 
I know my surgery will be long (3 hours) and the recovery even longer but the idea of being on the other side of full healing is well worth it. The idea of dealing with the root so that I can thrive in life is worth the jump. 
So yes, I am so thankful for that day (days) of pain. I am thankful for the reminder of why I am doing this. 
6 days and counting until I start my healing process. How many days until you start yours? 


Monday, March 7, 2016

Journal entry #1. 2 week count down

I, on purpose, bought a new journal to capture my thoughts in during this next season. I know the Lord will teach me things and I don't want to forget one minute of it. I want to be able to go back and see how I was feeling during this time. I have asked a few people about their own surgery but as time does best, it fades the memories. I don't want them to fade. This will be a really good season because God will be smack dab in the middle.
I am writing some of my journal notes in here. They will be choppy, they may not make sense, but this is me. 

journal entry #1

Today marks 2 weeks until my back surgery.
*I am excited that it is almost time.
*I am nervous that the time is almost here.
*I wonder - did I miss out on God's super natural healing for me because I went ahead with the surgery-
*I wonder if this is God's healing for me and that through this other lives will be blessed.
*I have no fear of things going wrong.
*I am concerned I will feel this major need to get up too soon and help.
*I have thoughts (not concerns or even fears...just thoughts) that if I were to be paralyzed that this is my last chance to I enjoy every single step like it is my last.
*I have thought that if i were to die this would be my last 2 weeks with my i always make every moment count.
*I am not going to be paralyzed or die but the enemy likes to throws us a bone to see if we grab it and chew. I see the thought (the bone) and I move on, this is life. This is having victory. Losing is when we grab the bone the enemy threw and we make a full meal out of it.
*I love my bed now but I imagine I will be more then ready to leave it when the time comes.
*I have lost about 7 pounds the last few months from all my walking. I DO NOT want to gain it back while in slow motion life.
*I am excited to see how God will show up in this time. I know he has heard my prayers for super natural healing and bc it didn't happen like I wanted, I know he has got a great plan. I am thrilled to be in the middle of it.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Snack over load.

One of the (many) things I am trying to get done before the surgery is food prep. I know that people will bring meals and that is a huge blessing. I won't have to think about dinners. 
What I am thinking about is after I am up and can cook. I LOVE cooking and I know it will be something I want to do as soon as I am allowed. I am trying to make things easier for me by pre-prepping meals now and freezing them. 

I am also thinking of snack ideas for the family. I want quick snacks that are yummy but not full junk food. No need in teeth rotting out bc mom ain't in the kitchen. 

My mother in law (who is Korean) has this dipping sauce she makes. Jerry and Gabi love it and will dip cucumbers in it. 
I called her today so she could remind me how to whip some up. 
Being the true, amazing cook that she is she just gives a list of ingredients. 

Hot Korean paste. 
Sesame seeds and oil. 
She said mix to taste but here is the problem. I am white, did not grow up ever eating this, and don't really eat it now. So mixing to taste is a no go. 
But I gave it a shot and will let my peeps be the ginny pigs. 

I did try it on eggs bc I was starving and why not....Just an FYI it is amazing on eggs. 
This will definitely happen again. 

Do you have any nice snack ideas that can be made ahead of time and even re-filled easily that work for your family?