Wednesday, March 16, 2016

The day I was thankful for pain

The other day I woke up feeling good. I had minimal back pain and to be honest the past week and a half I have felt ok. For the most part I know what triggers my back pain and I was being careful to avoid it. I began to doubt my need for the back surgery. I knew what the X-ray and Mri showed. I remembered being in so much pain that it put this level of depression over me that I was not used it. Yet, here I was walking the kids to school, going grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and even hosting parties. On the outside everything looked fine, a stranger would never know I was about to have or need back surgery. Even when answering the questions about what pain medication I am on and I answer "nothing more then ibuprofen" I start to question is surgery really needed? 

Then the other day I woke up and threw in some laundry, I carried some more clean clothes to my room, I folded and put away towels, and I even ironed some clothes. All normal activities and the laundry it's self I have done a million times but adding in the ironing and folding was too much twisting, turning, and bending of the back that it ended up causing terrible pain. I had to lay down, take some medicine, and cancel all evening plans.
 I daily live with pain in my lower back and I daily live with the sore muscles because they are over worked trying to protect the injured part but this so many in the past...was above and beyond pain. Pain I can deal with, heck I have naturally given birth to 6 babies (5 earthly, 1 heavenly, in case you read this thinking "wait, she only has 5") 
but pain that makes me angry, changes my whole out look and I lose my joy, pain the cause me to miss out on time with my family because I can't get up or I am to cranky to pretend I want to hear a story, that pain is why I am having the surgery. 
I laid in bed so thankful for the pain, so thankful for the reminder of why I was doing this. Yes, I am sure I could go though life and never have the surgery and I would survive but isn't thriving so much better then just making it? 
I want to be the best mom God has called me to be, I want to be the best wife I can be and dealing with the root of the pain is so much better then finding ways to work around it. 

I realize that we do this with so many areas of our lives, we may get an emotional injury and it hurts but we figure out ways to work around it so it doesn't get inflamed. We are fine, we have no physical scars for people to see, we are not taking any pain medication or getting counseling because we are "fine" 
yet, one wrong activity, one wrong movement can bring back all the pain. One wrong word or memory can inflame the emotions and we remember why we are angry, hurt, rejected, bitter, or lonely. So many people do this but they quickly try to get back to the avoiding the pain. They don't use the pain as a reminder that the root of something is still there, they don't take the steps to get the emotional surgery they need. People then live life without joy, they are surviving and they may have moments of happiness but the pain out weighs everything. A wall is put up to protect, memories or activities or even people are avoided to not spark the pain. 

I am on the front side of dealing with the root of my back pain. You may be at the front end of dealing with your emotional pain. The idea that "surgery" is about to happen or needs to happen is scary. What if something goes wrong, what if I dealt with the root only to walk away more Injured then I was when I went it? 
I know my surgery will be long (3 hours) and the recovery even longer but the idea of being on the other side of full healing is well worth it. The idea of dealing with the root so that I can thrive in life is worth the jump. 
So yes, I am so thankful for that day (days) of pain. I am thankful for the reminder of why I am doing this. 
6 days and counting until I start my healing process. How many days until you start yours?