My name is Shame.

For years I struggled with the weight of shame. I stole for so many years and I wanted freedom but shame was this wet blanket that wouldn't let me move and was suffocating me. I know people who wanted to change their ways, who wanted to walk in freedom but couldn't speak out because they were so worried about what someone would think of them.

Years ago when I was in my early teens I stole a ring from a relative. I enjoyed it for about a min and then spent the next 20+ years thinking of ways that I could get it back to her without anyone knowing. I was so shameful of my actions that it completely hindered my ability to make things right. I would hardly pray about it because it would admit to my self what I had done. God already knew but I wasn't ready to talk with him about it. Finally I got to a place where it was do or die. I knew I had to confess and live with the consequences. I told my husband and he was so loving and understanding. That was only half the battle. I still held onto the ring for another couple of years. I then told my sister and sent my aunt and her daughter a Facebook msg. I told them I had something to tell them and it needed to be in private and face to face.

We set up a time to meet when I went back home to Alabama. I first met with my mom and dad and had one to one time with them and confessed. I was so embarrassed of my sin. I was so ashamed of what others might think of me. See the thing is, I had been free of stealing for so many years. I had giving my life to Jesus and when I got re-baptized with the understand that I was a new creation all temptation to steal was gone. I had not stolen in over 10 years but I was still carrying around this burden, this shame. I did not want people to see me as someone they could not trust. It was not at all who I was now. But remember it was do or die. I HAD to make amends. I had to make it right. I had to confess. 

I went to my aunt's house and in a back bedroom I poured out my heart. I cried from the years of heart ache. I cried at the thought that maybe my cousin had gotten in trouble for "losing" this special ring. I cried at the thought of ruining one of my favorite family relationships. But I had to tell. 

The most amazing thing happen. They laughed. They forgave. They thanked me. They said I probably  kept the ring safe for them all these years because she probably would have lost it her self. 

It was the biggest showing of God's love that I had ever seen. I was finally free. Now I can tell my story with power and excitement. I tell it with joy and freedom. 

I know what it is like to be stuck. I know what it is like to be free. Freedom trumps being stuck any day.

Today I turned on the tv and it was on channel 45. TLC. I never watch this channel anymore so I am sure my oldest was watching "Say yes to the dress" 

Anyway I kept it here because some of the Duggars were on there (19 kids and counting). This was a new episode and they talked some about how the birth of this new baby was a good distraction from the season they were in. 

I finished watching the show and later on in my room I was praying and thinking about this whole family. I though about how sad it was that shame had so covered their son Josh to where he "lost his voice. He got to a point where he quit fighting. The first line of a poem came into my head (as poems usually do for me) and I had to write it down. I prayed about how to finish it and came up with this poem. 

Here it is. 

My name is Shame

Shame has claws bigger then any monster under the bed. 

It yells  "BE QUIET, YOU ARE ALONE", and it is exposer that you dread. 

Shame is the hot lava that flows from the sin. 

It tapes your mouth shut making you feel this battle you will not win. 

There is a tug at your heart to tell someone you love,

But shame punches you in your gut and knocks you over with a slight shove. 

Shame is deceiving, it makes you feel like you are friends,

All the while it is shredding apart relationships and bringing them to an end. 

Shame wants to block out the voice that says " There is still hope" 

You hear it whisper " You can have victory and not just get by and cope". 

Shame wants you to feel hopeless like you have no tools with which to heal. 

But your mouth is your biggest weapon if you speak to someone and your past you do not conceal. 

There is someone who can help you remove the tangled net of shame. 

They will walk with you, pray with you and never cast blame. 

God already knows you inside and out. 

He sees your heart and hears it crying out.  

Open your mouth and find words and use it to fight. 

Speak out for the WIN, It is your only life. 

You are already loved by God 

But shame tries to make your forget. 

But stand up and take ground and change your mindset. 

Tell yourself you ARE worth the fight, you ARE loved, and this battle you WILL win. 

At first you may feel like a failure but lift up your weary chin. 

Whisper if you must but do not give in to the temptation to quit. 

Speak life over yourself until both your heart and mouth can admit. 

That you are set free from shame that is the monster, that is attached to sin and tries to steal your ability to conquer. 

You have got this my friend, you will come through the battle with some scars to show. 

Shame no longer makes the decisions, it has no place here and must pack up and go. 

Shame will try to come back and look for empty space, so you must fill your heart with God's word and slam the door in Shame's face. 

-Charlene T. December 27,2015 

I know what it is like to live with shame and I know what it is like to be free of shame. I can honestly say it is never better to stay on the side of living with shame. The freedom is like no other.

If you are walking with the weight of shame then find someone ASAP that you can talk to. Find some one who can pray with you. You can even msg me. I can walk in agreement with you and your fight for your life. Do not let shame win its place in YOUR life. 

*the ring was returned in January 2011. 

A gift for the homeless.

I am one of the people that have a heart for something and then sit back and do very little about it. Life, time, and money get in the way making it hard to follow though with a great idea. I will spare you the long stories of my few times I did walk out an idea and today just focus on this one.

A week or so ago I thought how great would it be to make little stockings for the homeless people ( who sell the newspapers) and put a little gift inside of it. I wanted Ava to draw some lovely picture of a Christmas tree and then we would put some candy inside and -in a perfect world - we would have a gift card to some food place. 

Today I started on the stockings. They were horrible...No good....throw away....What the crap are those...stockings. So i changed it up and did a different shape. I am much more pleased with this design.

  I have a few sewn for tomorrow when Gabi and I go out. If anyone has any ideas of more stuff to go in the bags please let me know. 

I wanted the stocking to be small but bring happy memories and Ava's picture to be used as their own tree if they have no place for a real one. 

I mentioned all of this to Jerry and he suggesting writing a poem to add in. I prayed about what to write them and wrote this.

Don't forget 

It is the season to remember....but it has been a hard year. 

They say "Take time to count your blessings" but you can hardly do that though your fallen tears. 

Life has thrown you some curve balls and you had to learn to play the game. 

It has been a challenge and now walking though life doesn't look quite the same. 

I pass you all the time and I can recognize your weathered face. 

But I don't know your name or your story or how you got to this time and place. 

I want you to know that as I pass you I pray,

For protection, and for blessings, and for joy each day. 

I want you to know that you may feel like you are unseen 

But you are loved by a God who sees you as his child who is worthy and can be redeemed. 

The Christmas season is the celebration of a child's birth 

He is Jesus, God's son, sent from heaven to earth. 

So to the poor person reading this who may live on the streets or the wealthy person seeing this as the prop up their tired feet,

You need to know that to God you each are the same and he wants to capture your heart  and He already knows you by name. 

Charlene Turney December 22. 2015. 

Is there an idea that you have been thinking on but haven't walked out? Maybe this is the season to do just that. 

A boy and his heart

Last weekend we had Caden's 9th bday party where he invited lots of his friends from school. I rightly assumed he wanted everyone to come but was pleasantly surprised when he specifically asked to make sure that James knew he was invited too. They have been in the same class for 2 years now and Caden has told me many times that James is one of his best friends.

See the thing is James has special needs and from an outsider like my self it seems just about impossible to communicate with him. I am always amazed at the thought that he is in the 3rd grade and learning right along with the other kids.
All the kids in the class, even in the school, do not blink an eye at James' difference. They see him for who he is. James. 

I sent out an invitation to the class and later realized that their email was not part of this group class email. On the last possible day I ran into his dad at school and was able to personally invite them.
James' mother and I emailed back and forth and they looked forward to the chance to come play.
She warned me ahead of time that it may take some time for him to get used to the new place. I told Caden about this and he said "James will be fine, he knows me". Caden was right.

James and his mother arrived around the same time other kids were getting here and we all just hung around outside playing until James felt comfortable to venture inside. The weather was perfect that day for just that thing.

After a bit of time inside everyone went out to the back yard and played and James joined them. His mother was very happy that he was so comfortable being in the new place. I said maybe it felt like recess at school because all of his friends were here. They were able to stay for over an hour until things got a little overwhelming.

I later told Caden that I was very happy he is friends with James. I said he is very good with him even though you can't really communicate with him. Caden interrupted me and said "Oh you can communicate with him, it is just hard" I stopped and thought about that. I was so impressed with the matter of fact-ness to his statement. Caden has learned and understands that even though it may take an extra minute and even  though it may not look the same he can have a friendship with someone who is different then him.
This picture here is James communicating with his helper what he is looking forward to this Christmas season. He was able to read what was written (after he choose what to say) The class was so wonderful and gave him their full attention.

I have thought about this family a ton over the past week and I love the lesson that is so intertwined to our families.

We as humans are all different. We grow up in different cultures, we grow up with different religious beliefs, we discipline different, we talk different, and we even communicate different. Being different does not always mean wrong it just means different. It means it might be a little harder to communicate but if we all took the time like Caden and so many of his class mates and paused for a moment to "listen" to a "James" in our life I am confident we will be blessed because of it.
James' words to not work like ours but there are so many people in this world who's words do not work like ours, they do not sound like ours but his heart is the same, his smile is the same and when we can look past the differences of those around us we might be surprised to see their heart too.

This is my mother in law. She is Korean and most defiantly does not communicate the same as us. Her culture is so much different then mine but I love her! Her heart is so big and so giving and kind. She is always willing to serve and help if you need her.

This is the group we had here for Thanksgiving. There were a few different languages and cultures here. It it so much fun getting to learn how we are all the same and hearing how we are not the same.


Do you have some things or some people in your life that you need to "learn" to communicate with?
All 5 of my kids are unique and I am having to continue to learn how to talk with them. If I stopped solely on the fact that they don't act like I do, I would miss out on so many amazing things. Not all the things are easy, some are flat out hard lessons to learn but well worth it.

So thank you Caden and thank you James for being friends and thank you LynnMarie for coming to our party, it was a joy.  (thanks for the party pictures too)

This picture is of James loving on Caden monkey pillow at the PJ party friday.

Thoughts for Tuesday. Post 5.

Comparing. Why do we do it? 

It's funny, we do this when their story looks just like ours and we do it if their story looks nothing like ours. We look at their path, their adventures and look at ours and compare. 

There is such a fine line between this being something that helps you grow and something that stops you in your tracks. 

Having people that you look up to is great. If their life causes you to strive to be a better parent or spouse or even a better person then looking at their life can be good. 

If looking at someone's life causing you to get bitter at your lack or angry at your spouse bc of their lack or even angry at life because they are doing "nothing" and getting everything better then you..then that type of looking (comparing) is very bad. 

A week or so ago Jerry and I had to go pick up our van from the shop. We left our house at the same time, got on the same road, and headed to the same location. 

We drive totally different so by time I got there he was already parked and inside talking to the person to get the van. 

I thought about how all the bullet points would have looked the same on paper. 

*leave house at 11:00

* drive I-440 to I -65 to cool springs. 

*arrive at tire store  

Our goals and agenda looked the same but the details were very different. We drive at different speeds and we get stuck or by pass different obstacles. 

We can never compare our personal path, goals, or agendas to someone else's bullet points....no matter how much they look like our own. 

Each person is so individual which makes your path be so individual. 

Enjoy your path. Enjoy the speed you are at. Don't get so focused on looking at their "driving" that you aren't seeing what's in front of you. 

 

Thoughts for Tuesday. Post 4 shadows are not the real thing

This is Wednesday. I am aware of this but I am going to pull the sick card for this one. We are battling a virus and strep throat that is lasting about 1 week per person. No fun.

Anyway back to my Thoughts for Tuesday....on Wednesday. 

Awhile ago I was driving on the interstate and this HUGE shadow goes over the whole road. The shadow was from a plane but it was so large it felt like the plane was just mere feet above the ground. I looked up and saw it was where it should be, thousands of feet in the sky. It had simple been placed at such an angle that the shadow seemed larger then it was. 

It got me thinking about how the enemy does that in our lives or maybe even a bully at school or an abuser. Their position in our lives, either by our placement of them or their doing, can be angled in such a way that it seems huge, overpowering, and even scarey. 

If you have things in your life that cast a big shadow over you maybe you need to pause and see what is causing the shadow. Many times you will find that the object itself isn't really all that big or scarey. 

If it is a bully or abuser causing the shadow then remember that you are worth the fight it takes to remove it. Shadows do one thing, they block the light. Make sure that you are taking the effort to re-angle your self or the object to remove the shadow. 

This picture was taking a year or so ago and is a great example of things looking different then they actually are. This is my daughter with a book bag on. She just happen to be standing funny but it looks like a large roach or some bug. Shadows are simple a distorted view of something. Do not get blinded by the false image of something. 

Thoughts for Tuesday. Post 3. tools to stay sharp

Awhile back I bought some lip liner that was perfectly sharpened. It worked as it was meant to for a long time. When it got dull I realized I had no idea if I had the tools to sharpen it again.

I thought about how we do this with things in our lives. We get something new and we go all awesomeness and have happy thoughts while it works perfectly. Once all the newness is gone we stop using it. 

I thought about how people go to a conference or a church service and they learn about Jesus. They get full of excitement and awesomeness and happy thoughts. That last for some time and then things get dull and it gets set aside. 

Just like my make up, we need tools in our lives to keep things sharp.

 For a walk with God we need a daily walk with him to stay sharp. We need to talk to him, read his word, and be part of a church that teaches His Word. We need to be part of a small group that allows us to be real, to talk when we hurt, and to ask for help when we fall. 

Don't get something new and forget to get the tools to keep it going. Find the tools you need and use them. Ask for help if you have no idea how to activate the tools because having tools and not using them is just as bad as not getting the tools in the first place. 

Thoughts for Tuesday. Post 2 Green onions

Green onions.

What could I possibly have to say about green onions?

I am so glad you asked. 

Last week I used some green onions for dinner and saved the ends with the plans to put them in my garden and grow my own. 

I set them in a small, empty flower pot and left them. 

I added about 1 tsp of water so they would not dry out until the next day. 

A few days go by and I forget about the green onions ( off to the corner, busy week...you get the picture) 

Saturday night I see them again and they are growing 

Now overall that is pretty cool. I can still plant them and have my onions...BUT...

It got me thinking of an anology. Of course it did, I see everything in pictures and anologies :) 

I thought about our lives and sin. I thought about how as we are growing in areas and wanting change we remove some stuff in our lives that are not helping us get to that goal. 

It might not even be related to sinful things, it could simple be you wanted to get healthier or to focus more on your family, or even learn more with your career. We set goals and then we change things up or remove them all together to help us get to that goal. 

The original thought was how important it is to remove all sin from our lives. The growing of the green onions with just a drop of water was the perfect example of how things can still grow if not completely removed. 

When we choose to better our lives by removing the things that hinder us, we need to FULLY remove them. 

You can't struggle with over spending of money you don't have and plan on keeping that one secret credit card....just in case. 

You can't struggle with infidelity and keep that one last hook up ....just because you are now only friends...,and it is just on Facebook. 

You can't struggle with porn and plan on keep that one site unlocked....because you don't go there anymore

You can't struggle with anger and plan on reserving that one out break for that one time someone does ......(fill in the blank). 

When things left untouched like that and are not fully removed from our lives they grow just like those stinky green onions did. 

You may wonder how the heck do you fully remove the things hindering you from your life. You may want full freedom and may even have victory for a while only to find out it was secretly still there and you can't seem to shake that temptation. 

Accountability 

Being accountable to friends, leaders, and mentors will help you see all those hidden spots. There will be things you didn't even realize was a problem but someone else might see it. And I mean fully accountable. Not just "i am good" but you are not telling them about the hidden credit cards just in case, that one friend on Facebook that you still send msg to...so you can catch up, the one inappropriate site not locked...because you never go to that. 

You have to be open and allow friends to see you..truly see you. 

Back to the green onions. 

They were pushed to the side. 

They were not causing any harm. 

They went un-noticed and grew. 

I have 7 people in my family but no one was helping me "look" for things out of place. It is totally ok to have friends that are just there and don't know all your secrets but make sure that you have friends who see all the dark corners and can ask questions like " hey did you mean to leave this here, did you want this to be growing" 

The only reason to not have friends like that is if you are not really ready for change. 

Find friends, pray about finding mentors, who have your back and can help you up-root anything that might hinder you from growing into a stronger you! 

You are so worth it. If you feel like no one will understand the junk you need to remove then the enemy is doing exactly what he wants to with you. He is tricking you. You are not alone!! Holy cow my story alone is full of thousands of secrets that I felt I couldn't tell. Now that I have victory and can openingly talk about those hidden areas...I have found so many people who went though or are going through the same things. 

You are not alone and you most definitely are not the first person to struggle with whatever the heck you are struggling with. There have been others and if you allow God to work, he will bring people into you life who can help. 

Update: I wrote this Saturday night and here it is Tuesday. The green onions still sit on my counter and have grown another inch or so. The roots are getting intertwined with the base of the flower pot and I have made the decision to just go ahead and add dirt to the roots so they can grow there.  

This is also very similar to how we do things in our lives. We have sin in our lives that we don't fully get rid up and then the roots start growing. The longer we go without addressing the issue the longer the roots have time to go deep. Eventually we just except the roots. Eventually we just except the sin. We give  them a place in our lives and accept that it is just the way I am. I have been like this for so long. I don't remember not having these roots ( this sin) as part of my life. I must just be an over spending. I must just not be one who can be faithful to my spouse...I mean I am only human. 

This is a lie. Sin never needs to have a permit place in our lives. It is true, we are all human. We live in a fallen world and we have all sinned but it does NOT have to take root. Jesus died for you. He died for me. He is the Son of God  His death and resurrection has ALL power to uproot anything that has a strong hold on you or in you. 

This is only possible though knowing that and a believing that and accountability to others.