Monday, June 22, 2015

Tears. Travel. Talking.

Yesterday when leaving my dad's house there were a lot of tears. Not for why you think though....but it was from a HUGE melt down by my middle child over seating arrangements. This is a common thing with her but this was the worst yet. It was me wanting to leave her there, I don't care what happens, type situation. 
It was heart breaking to see my child in such a pit of hate for such a simple situation and be so stuck in her selfishness that she can't think straight. The whole thing was so emotionally painfully I felt like I was recovering from a gaping wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. I am still recovering. 

Here is a back story. Before she even started school I was very concerned with how she would handle the day to day changes. She seemed to get so upset over changes at home and would have a melt down. I thought there is no way she will survive kindergarten, but she did...and she thrived. 
Kindergarten was perfect for her because it was structured. She knew what to expect. We knew that her inability to cope with change smoothly was not just a bratty child it was more. It was different.   
Wearing new socks, or finding new pants would have her cry and scream as if abuse was happening or her arm being cut off, when in fact she had been only sent to her room alone to calm down. We  have been late to school a handful of times in the 2 and 3rd grade because of socks and clothes issues. I am thankful for her teacher that she had both of those years. Mrs Ginter was her 2 nd grade teacher and then moved to 3rd grade and we chose to keep her again. She was always very understanding about my child not being able to calm down in time for school and that she would be there soon enough. 
About two years ago I talked to my childs pediatrician about it and we set up an appt to talk about Aspergers. I had googled some info through a friends suggestion and she had about 5 of the 7 quick check off symptoms. Well, for what ever reason I was not able to make those appts and never rescheduled them. 
I believe that yesterday drama was as the saying goes, the straw that broke the camal's back. She had three melt downs in the two weeks of us traveling and of course a big part is because we are so far out of our normal routine and she craves structure. 
Once we left my dad's I was fully in tears, Caden was in tears, Kori was screaming, and the other two were silent. Kori cried for a full hour and finally stopped about 1:15 mins after leaving my dad's. I am so thankful for worship music and prayer. I was able to fully Praise Jesus with a broken heart. I was broken because of the hate I felt for my child and her attitude. I was broken because of the sadness I felt for how this changed our friendship. I felt abused by her angry. I am thankful for prayer because without it I would have left my daughter there and I would have given up. Without prayer she might have gotten punched in the face when she threw all the toys from the back to the next seat and hitting ava with them, or when she over and over and over again said she hated Caden and it was his fault, that she called the special seat first. Without prayer I would hate my self for the hate I felt for her. No parent wants to feel that about that child. Without prayer I would be defeated. 

With prayer I cried out to God for help, for peace, for comfort, for forgiveness. With prayer I asked for Kori to learn the skills to adjust when things change and don't go her way. 
Our trip was 7.5 hrs to get home and about 5 hours into the trip she apologized. She had seen my crying and it made her very sad to see me so upset. I thanked her and said that meant a lot. I told her though that this can never happen again. I told her it was so painful she can never respond like that again. 

Today we talked. I asked her to tell me her point of view. She realized that this is the worst she has ever responded. She understood that had she of just stayed calm she could have gotten the special seat until bham, but she had now lost that privilege forever. I told her that I loved her forever no matter what but if a friend did that to me I would not be friends with them anymore. I said I love her but if she could not get that under control i could not be friends with her. I even explained as best as I could ( which was crap) about Aspergers and told her that I was going to get her tested. If I explained the symptoms to her she wouldn't get it. She doesn't see that she can't read body language very well. She doesn't see that she has certain patterns to things or that she is very passionate about certain topics and will only talk about that one thing...forever. 
I am so thankful for being able to talk. She is am amazing child and is one of the most creative people I know. She has big plans for her future and will do amazing but first we focus on what is in front of us and that is learning to cope with change. Tomorrow I will set up the appt again and we will talk. We will look at options and we will pray and I will love on this child that God has blessed me with. It is not an accident I am her mother. God gave me her therefore he gave me the wisdom and strenght to raise her with His help. I am thankful for that.